This blog was supposed to be a highbrow think piece about technology and how it is the most exciting it has been in ages. Using some of your apps has turned me into a rage-typing Karen.
I have paid the money, maybe it’s my fault for expecting a premium experience but the constant upsell and thirst for a review is soul destroying. Consider this chump churned.
The In-App Guilt Trip
“Enjoying the app? Leave us a 5-star review!” pops up before I’ve even used the feature I signed in for. I hit “Remind me later” because I avoid confrontation even with software. But it keeps coming back, like a needy puppy who just knows they’re the best thing that ever happened to you.
I’m not enjoying the app, actually. I’m enjoying the idea of it. And now I’m annoyed that I have to reject it repeatedly like I’m dumping Clippy.
The Endless Upsell
I’ve already paid for the “Pro” plan. I am, in your eyes, a loyal customer. Yet every few screens I get the same nudge: Upgrade to Pro Max Deluxe for only £3 more a month! What does that even include? Gold trim? A hug? Early access to disappointment?
This is what happens when product and marketing don’t talk. One hand builds a feature. The other hand tries to sell it to the people who already have it.
Push Notification Paranoia
“You haven’t tracked your habit today!”
“Your goal is waiting!”
“It’s not too late to check in!”
I know you mean well. I know it’s “engagement.” But what I hear is: You’re failing. Again. But hey, have you considered upgrading to our Guilt-Free Experience™?
It buzzed at 2:13 AM to tell me “It’s not too late to finish your goals.” Actually, it is too late. It is literally tomorrow.
I wanted to build better habits. I didn’t expect to be micromanaged by my own phone.
Designing for Retention vs. Respect
I get it. I really do. I know what a retention dashboard looks like. I’ve been in the meetings where someone says, “What if we just… added a nudge here?” and everyone nods because we’re chasing MRR like it’s the last bus home.
But at some point, you have to ask: are we keeping users, or are we holding them hostage?
Respect is sticky. Trust is sticky. Maybe stickiness should be earned, not extracted.
What Should Change
If you want to keep me:
- Don’t ask for a review. I have reviewed the holly hell out of awesome products without being asked.
- Sell sell sell, until I buy. Then upsells should be in context or something.
- Let me disable notifications without hiring a lawyer.
- Respect the contract. I paid. Now please just do the thing.
And if not…
I Swear, One More Push and I’m Out
I recently decided to let go of a couple of subscriptions because of this nonsense and because they had reached the end of their usefulness. If they were less annoying I would maybe have hung around.
Here’s the truth: we’re all tired. We’re all over-stimulated. And your app poking us like a toddler with a sugar high is not helping.
If you respect me, I will love you forever. If you nag me, I will write a strongly worded blog and then sheepishly keep using your service because, dammit, it is useful. But I will be resentful.
And that’s the worst kind of churn.